I was relaxing, reading the latest issue of Trains Magazine and for some reason I felt as if I was in this position before and all that I remembered was that it didn’t exactly end well. I guess I’ll have to start at the beginning but before I do that I have to remind everyone that I was the youngest ever to be charged with assault. This was a very long time ago and the authorities were trying to decide whether or not to try me as an adult, I mean how does one deal with a newborn with one serious left hook? I guess at this point I need to explain this. July 1st, 1964 was a pretty warm summer day. I was chillin’ out in my studio in my mom’s womb reading the August 1964 issue of Trains Magazine. I just got the mag that day. I had my iPod playing my favorite Beatles tunes and I was relaxing. I guess you would call this a home invasion when these extremely large gloved hands break in through the front door and start grabbing at me. I’m being pulled out by my feet and the next thing I knew I was completely naked hanging upside down by my feet in some strange white room and for no reason whatsoever, this dude starts smacking me in the butt. I told him, “OH NO YOU DIDN’T!! YOU DID NOT JUST SMACK ME IN THE BUTT!!!” So this idiot smacks me again. Ok that is enough! I’ve had it with this moron! I turned around and popped him one on his nose. He fell to the floor and I got on top of him and started pounding away at his face. After all was said and done, all he could say was, “yes, Mrs. Ramirez, it’s definitely a boy!” I’m not saying that I regret being born or anything like that. It’s just that I have my own plans and I really hate it when people mess with them. I was planning to check out the July 4th celebration and the Worlds Fair. Needless to say that I missed all that because I was cooped up in Mount Sinai Hospital in Spanish Harlem in some clear glass box with tubes coming out of it no thanks to that idiot doctor. I guess it wasn’t all that bad though. After all, I did have a nice view of the New York Central and New Haven Trains on Park Avenue a block away (Yeah, me and my trains again!). Also, I was taken care of by this really cute nurse. Think her name was Jill. I had her phone number but I got rid of that when I got engaged. She was cool. She liked Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Anyway, why am I writing this? I guess I’m trying to reach out to those who experienced something similar and that they are not alone or maybe that idiot doctor who “delivered” me is reading this and is now just realizing what a dumb thing he did. I forgive you this time but darned if you let me catch you pulling that stunt with someone else again. Anyway, with that being said, I’ll just kick up my feet, read the latest issue of Trains Magazine and listen to my favorite Beatles tunes on my iPod except this time, I have an aluminum baseball bat with me. Just try to pull me out of my studio this time!!! Peace.
10/18/09
Ozzy Ramirez